Ellie Bellie,
I struggled with whether I needed to document this experience or not given that it is not necessarily a pleasant memory. However after much thought I felt it was a memory that we all needed to know and keep. I hadn't documented the fact that we were expecting a new baby on the blog - dada calls it a sixth sense - but I guess somehow I knew that something wasn't right. I found out we were expecting a second baby the beginning of August and we were pretty excited yet very scared. How would a new baby impact our family? How would you react to a sibling? Were we really prepared for a newborn in the house?!? Somewhere along the line I guess I experienced some mother's intuition because I just felt that something was missing and kind of felt that this baby wasn't real. Yet I made the baby doctor appointment and they confirmed we were pregnant and so we pressed on.
We scheduled a dating ultrasound for yesterday so we could get an accurate "age" for the baby and, once again, I felt as if something bad was going to happen. The appointment was scheduled at your naptime so dada stayed home with you - as to not disrupt your schedule. The sonographer did her thing and I could tell instantly that something was amiss. Turns out there was a sac for the baby but no baby inside - I think it is called a blighted ovum. The doctor came in and said it was a possibility that it was just too early to see the baby or hear a heartbeat, but I knew that the dates were not THAT far off. I came home - you were taking a nap - and your dada and I just cried together. We were in shock, still grasping at the hope that maybe our calculations were off, and yet beginning to realize that this second baby was not to be. Later that night we received confirmation that we were no longer pregnant and that, for now, it was just the three of us.
All of this has made us so much more grateful for your presence in our lives. As I have written to you before, we struggled to get pregnant with youand are now beginning to see more and more what a miracle you are to us. We were sad that you will not have a sibling come April 21st but know that we can still try again. I want you to know this story because I think it is important to know that you had a sibling - one that you just never met face to face and one that went to heaven very early on. I am not sure why this happened and I'm not sure what is meant to come of it all, but I do know that God has a plan for us all and this was part of it. I have no doubts that you would have been such a magnificent older sister to this baby and although it would have challenged you to not be the only one around I really think you would have relished the opportunity to be in that role. You are so loving, caring, compassionate and thoughtful I just know you would have loved this baby even though it meant big changes for you.
You, Miss Ellie Bellie, remain our miracle and we are so thankful that you are ours.
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Dear Baby #2,
Your dada and I are very thankful that we got to be your parents even if it was for a mere 8 weeks while you were in my belly. We were quite excited at the prospect of having you in our lives and of having Ellie be an older sister to you. You would have loved her! Her personality would have likely overwhelmed you at first, but then I think you would clearly see what a wonderful sister she could be! Likewise, I have no doubts that you would have brought much joy to our lives and that we would have enjoyed every second of you getting to be with us. We had a million and one hopes and dreams for you - even in such a short time - and are saddened that you didn't get to experience them. I just hope that in the time we had with you that you felt loved and cared for and, even now, that you know how much love we have in our hearts for you. Some may say you were not even yet a "baby" but that is not true to us - You will always be remembered as our baby and we will always love you.
Little Snowdrop
The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.
The little one we long for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says of our love for you.
